Published March 10, 2009
Writers Block
My mind,
Pinned down,
Unable to think, unable to write,
Need to write,
Need to let my fingers fly,
My weapon in hand, Is just a pen,
Need, to break free from my chains,
My restrains,
Characters, ideas, stories, theories,
Personalities,
Need to form, and bring to life
On paper,
Need to untangle,
My knot, tangle of thoughts,
Into thin lines and curves,
Need to let my imagination,
Transform,
Into beautiful words and,
Paragraphs, pages,
Need to write,
Need, to change lives,
Now,
I’m free,
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Hello, I'm Colt.
1. I have a knack for noticing formatting problems in work. Is there a reason the title is not centered, but the actual poem is?
2. TOO many commas, take a chill pill.
3. It was a creative idea, everyone here can (or should) relate to this piece.
4. The format of the poem is kind of like a butterfly's body, it's weird, if you look at it. I found that interesting.
5. Some lines appear too short and skinny, add some meat to them!
6. It was a great idea and good job! I'm sure several people can relate.
I'm not sure if the others will agree with me but the spacing added to the whole effect of this poem.
keep writing.
I have no qualms about your punctuation either because the commas added to the stops in this poem. Like when you have writer's block things begin to get choppy right? Pause, play, pause is what happens to your artistic abilities. I think this was well captured in this poem.
In your third line, don't you mean: UNABLE TO WRITE?
My problem is your very last line. I'm free. It's not a bad ending to a poem on wirter's block but perhaps you could have developed how exactly you become free?
Great read.
--Knightly
You may have meant "write" instead of "right". I will assume, though, that you meant what you put there; I'm imagining that as a boat with you are the oarsman attempting to "right" it before it capsizes. That is a decent image and not too cliched, but in order for it to work, "pinned down" is the wrong image to use before it. When the first three lines have a clash of ideas that destroy the harmony of the piece, you know you're in trouble. I suggest replacing "pinned down" with something related to the sailing of a ship, because I happen to like that image much better.
Fine, but don't expect this to come across as one unified painting, if that was what you were hoping for. You are giving us good imagery again (for a beginner's poem, which, pardon me, I am reading this as) but these images just float in the air without any anchor to them or connection to other devices in the poem. So why are you throwing them at us in the first place? Imagery can only go so far by itself; at some point, it needs to be significant to the work.
You keep mentioning an inherent need to write and delve into the sub-ideas behind the basic concept, but fail to tell us...why. Letting us know that you "need" it is just the beginning, and the reader really starts to lose interest when you repeat the fact that you need to do this without providing any backing to it or perhaps explaining how it quenches your thirst. Include lines explaining this.
What? One of the most grevious mistakes people make when writing poetry is that they suddenly drop-kick a completely new idea tacked on to the end of the poem. That throws everything off balance and destroys any sentiment of meaning that the poem might have had until that point. You've just done this. Please, hint earlier at how you want to change lives and how your writing can possibly help others, not just yourself. Until the last four lines, the entire poem was focused inwards and was an introspective piece; don't expand it and leave the reader hanging. If you expand it, at least let us know why and how you plan to bring it full circle again.
In general, not bad for a beginner, but full of holes. Also, please don't center space the poetry, as it just looks aesthetically displeasing and is unnecessary.
Hope that helped.
Welcome to YWS......
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.....sometimes I get carried away...
Although you have very nice pictures in your head, this was so messed up that I don't consider this as a good job. Commas totally blew out everything good from this poem. I know you're a new one, but this won't be much of a problem for you to correct it.
The structure of the poem is like a sea with tidal waves(check the beginning of this critique) and those tidal waves are sometimes helping you, but in some places of the poem you got no help whatsoever....